Love is hard. You wonder about the illusion of “till death do us part” and what it really means. I doubt after my last relationship of 20+ years I can withstand another 20 with someone else. To have even experienced love is truly a thing of great beauty…its like an ignorant (or innocent) bliss…to feel a companionship with another person….where you’re locked into each other is intense, playful, scary and exhilarating all at the same time. I always thought it was strange that when getting married, everyone surrounds you, and you feel invincible….when it all comes crashing down, there’s basically nobody around at that time in your life. To me, getting a divorce requires dragging those who may be in the state of bliss with someone else starts feeling as if the stink will rub off on them and they’ll be suddenly fast tracked to the seemingly endless emotional rollercoaster a divorce requires.
When I think of the impact of a divorce, especially my parent’s nasty divorce hell I endured while in the 9th grade, I’m reminded of a lyric in a Radiohead song, “Morning Bell.”
I think Radiohead’s KID A and AMNESIAC were like the soundtrack to my divorce. A morose, moody time. I felt as though I would never truly experience love with another person. I would tell myself I just completely blew it and can never be trusted with such an honor ever again. Unfortunately, my mother is a pessimist and I battle that negative voice in my head every day. If something good happens, something equally bad will be forced upon you…its the ying-yang of life. I don’t really believe that. Why is the poor, poor, and who decides who is rich ? Life inherently doesn’t seem fair more times than not. What gets us puny humans motivated to push through these challenges and really step up and break out of your self imposed mental prison.
What the fuck do I really know?